The Cycle of Violence

Tension Phase: May last for weeks or months Stress builds during this stage Communication breaks down Victim senses growing danger, tries to avoid abuse "Minor" violence/abuse occurs Incidents occur more often Intensity increases Batterer denies, minimizes, blames external factors Batterer hopes "somehow" things will change Crisis Phase: May last 2-24 hours, or a few days Anxiety extremely high Major, controlled violence occurs Explosive, acute, unpredictable May be serious injuries, death Abuser blames victim Victim adapts in order to survive Victim may believe escape is futile Victim may escape, returns when crisis is over Abuser may isolate victim, physically and emotionally Calm Phase: May last for days or weeks Whole family in shock at first Abuser continues to justify abuse and blame victim Abuser may be remorseful, seeking forgiveness Abuser may never explain violence - abuse temporarily ceases All are relieved crisis is past Victim worn down, accepts promises if offered Children become caretakers to "keep the peace," or survive Victim wants to believe the violence won't recur Survival via negotiation

"I use the breathing techniques to slow down and rethink issues."

- Sara

"I stay away from people that know how to push my buttons."

- Melinda

The Seven Short Steps of Anger Control

These seven short steps of anger control take time and practice to learn. At first, you may find it helpful to carry around the following short description of the process. Over time, you will learn to intuitively move from one step to another.

1. Start with your upset feelings.
   • Identify them.
   • Use them as stop signs.
   • Your upset feelings are cues or signals that you are telling yourself upsetting things.
   • Become a better observer of your feelings. This means getting in touch with your feelings.
2. Counteract your upsetting thoughts with a positive self-message.
   • Put the brakes on.
   • Tell yourself: Slow down. Easy does it. Don't make yourself so upset.
3. Identify your upsetting thoughts that are making you angry about the situation. What are you trying to control? Question your upsetting thoughts. Ask yourself: Why must I get my way? Why should others do what I want? Answer your questions.
4. Clarify the situation for yourself. Ask yourself:
   • What is really going on in the situation about which I became angry?
   • What are the facts and what are my opinions?
   • Is there a more helpful way of looking at the situation?
   You can then feel disappointed with the situation, but not enraged at the people who are creating it.
5. Set more realistic goals for yourself in regard to the problem situation. Ask yourself: What helpful thing can I do about the situation? Be specific and concrete. Apply the Serenity Prayer: What about the situation can I change (my behavior), and what will I have to accept (other's behavior)?
6. List the constructive options you have in which to reach your goals. Ask yourself: What constructive actions can I take to reach my goals?
7. Choose a constructive option to reach your goal and act on it. The end result of the Seven Short Steps is positive action on your part.